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Saturday, January 14, 2012

Thank You

So many of you have sent me emails, cards, phone calls, and even blog tributes for Murray that I felt I needed to share what his short life meant to me.

Everywhere I look I see little reminders of Murray. Tiny paw prints where he sprinted back into the house after our walks. The foot rest I keep under my desk where he would look up at me with his sparkling chocolate eyes. The way he’d watch the chickens dutifully, as if he knew someday they’d be his to command. But most of all I remember the little kisses he gave me whenever I picked him up.

He got sick, but he recovered despite the odds. Then he got sick again. But we beat that too.  We were so close, so very close to making it. Then came the sucker punch from which neither of us could recover.

I was up and at his side every time he whimpered in his sleep or repositioned himself noisily in his crate. At night I’d rock him to sleep and press him close to my body to keep him warm and safe.

I did everything humanly possible to keep him alive. When the vet gave me such rotten odds against beating Parvo I insisted I could do a better job than his skeleton staff during Christmas week. When he said Murray wouldn’t survive kennel cough, I got his lungs clear and got him eating again.

But I couldn’t fight the distemper. Even if he survived, he’d almost certainly suffer irreparable neurological damage. I’ve seen more than my share of death. But sometimes death is preferable to suffering.

I did not rest for the whole time Murray was sick. Not one day. Not one hour. Where I found the strength I don’t know. But I know I did it for him.

He was my baby.

I can’t help thinking I let him down. That maybe if I was smarter, more intuitive, or attacked the sickness more aggressively then maybe things would’ve been different. My logical side says I did all I could. But my heart wants to blame something. It wants to make some sense of this loss.

I’ve never in my life asked anyone to take care of me. But I need someone to take care of me now. I have no strength left.

My boys are finally home. But my baby is still gone.

***
Words cannot express how much your letters and calls meant to me. I never knew I had so many friends. Thank you.

I need a few more days. I’ll try to be back soon.


24 comments:

Marianne Arkins said...

I'm still so sorry for your heartache... but you gave that little boy the best days of his life, and he knew he was loved. There is no greater gift.

((((hugs)))

Dru said...

You gave Murray the best gift...love and hope.

{{{{hugs}}}}

L.G.Smith said...

I was so sorry when I heard the news. Poor guy. I can't imagine anyone doing any more than you did. He was definitely loved. More ((((hugs))))

Angelina Rain said...

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. I cried for you and Murray when I heard the news. It's true what everyone says, you gave him the best gift anyone could give, you gave him love. Sadly, I know many parents that wouldn't be as attentive to their children as you have been to your furbaby.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

Susan Blexrud said...

Sitting here sobbing. Been there. I rescued a Chihuahua with parvo, but distemper is a double whammy. My prayers and thoughts are with you, sweetie. You're simply the best doggie mom.

Hugs,
Susan

raelynbarclay said...

You gave him the best chance and as others said, the best gift of love and hope. You didn't fail him and he knows it. I'm so glad everyone is home, catch up on your rest, and refill the well. Take all the time you need to grieve, we'll be here when you get back. {{hugs}}

Mike Keyton said...

Now Greg can take care of you. It's what husbands do.

Angela Brown said...

It is never easy losing someone you love.

We've all had the honor of journeying with you as you took this darling puppy into your home, learned of his ills and nursed him with loving care each and everyday. Not a day passed that Murray had to wonder about your affection for him. You showed him in every way you could. Honestly, you probably gave him the one thing the vet and his staff couldn't, and that's true love.

His days with you were not long, but they were filled with so much love. You gave him the greatest gift ever. Through his kisses, he gave it back.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grieve as you should. Mend in your own time. I know I don't speak just for me when I say we're not going anywhere.

Stacy said...

Oh Maria, my heart is with you. I am so sad for the loss you've suffered. But what a lucky little pup he was to have such a giving and loving mother. Hugs and love to you, my friend. Take the time you need to heal yourself now. We will be here when you are ready. xoxoxo

Mason Canyon said...

So sorry for your loss. Try to take care of yourself. Sending hugs.

Mason
Thoughts in Progress

Misha Gericke said...

Oh Maria I'm so sorry to hear that Murray didn't make it.

jackie b central texas said...

Maria this little dog touched us all and in your grief know that we shared your love for Murray and never even got to meet him in person.
I know you are still so very sad and so very much in pain, not sure how long Greg can stay but let him take care of you if only for a few days because honey you deserve some TLC in a big way right now and for a long time to come from past experience.

Most people do not get that a pet really is our "child" when they are puppies especially, but it really is that kind of relationship because just like a human baby they are totally dependent on us for everything.

Take care, get some much needed rest and know that the care and comfort and love you bestowed upon that one little dog in a short amount of time is more than most people ever give a pet that they have for it's entire life span of years and years.

You did not fail Murray, you did not fail yourself either but did over and above what anyone else could have it just worked out that little Murray's luck just would not hold and he is now gone from earth but will never lose his place in your memories and in your heart!

Hugs to you, wish so much could hug you in person as know this is a blow you just did not need to start off the year with.

We will be waiting when you heal enough to share anything with us in the future Maria, take your time!

All my best always and you take care,

Jackie

Jenny Schwartz said...

Simply sending good thoughts. I'm so sorry you lost Murray.

Barbara Ann Wright said...

I'm sorry, Maria. Know you're in my thoughts.

LD Masterson said...

You know how I feel. Keeping you in my prayers.

MaryC said...

Oh Maria, I don't know which is worse, reading that Murray didn't make it or reading you blaming yourself. Please don't. You gave him everything you had and then some.

Carol Kilgore said...

Murray knew how much he was loved. You've nothing to blame yourself for. Murray got extra days because of you. And he's watching over you now, you know. It's so hard. But it does get easier.

Tracy Jo said...

Maria, I just can't imagine. Such a hard ordeal. You are a wonderful soul and loved him with all your might. I know he had peace through you. Sending you more positive thoughts and prayers.

Melissa McClone said...

You did all you could, gave Murray love and your whole heart. Such a lucky puppy to be loved so much! Hugs and prayers.

Sarah Ahiers said...

i just cried and cried when i saw your post about Murray. I couldn't believe it.
I truly believe that sometimes some people and animals are in our lives for such a brief time to teach us something. It usually takes us a long time to figure out what we were meant to learn.
You did the best you could for him. No one could've done better.

I'm sure this will make you cry, but it's my favorite poem and i share it whenever a friend loses someone, most often a dog:


I am standing on the seashore-

A ship spreads her white sails in the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean-

She is an object of beauty and I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky meet to mingle with each other-

Then someone at my side says, "There! She's Gone!"

Gone where? Gone from my sight that's all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my sight, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of her destination-

Her diminished size is in me-
not her-

And just at that moment when someone at my side says, "There! She's Gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices take up the glad shout, "There she comes!"

And that is dying.

((hugs))

Rula Sinara said...

I'm so sorry, Maria. You've been in my thoughts, and I'm so heartbroken for you, but you have to know that you were the best mommy to him. It's so clear that he couldn't possibly have been more loved and his life was better for it. Wish there was something I could do for you. Hugs.

Shelley Munro said...

I was so sorry to hear about Murray. You did everything you could. Hugs.

Jennifer Shirk said...

You didn't let him down. You really cared for and loved him.
Take it easy. {[hugs}}

Kim said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Maria. There are no words. {{{HUGS}}}