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Monday, July 28, 2014

50 Shades of...Oh, Just Kill Me Now

The movie version of 50 Shades is coming to theaters near you in 2015.

First of all, my apologies to EL James. I'm not being dismissive of your work or success. You found something to titillate the human consciousness. It's a little sick and twisted, but hey, you're laughing all the way to the bank. You dirty, dirty girl.

My real bafflement stems from people (particularly fictional characters) who think being dominated is sexy.

Dudettes, please!

Does being at the choker end of a chain really turn you on? And what kind of weirdo likes getting smacked around? In the old days, they'd put you in therapy for low self esteem issues.

I won't call myself an old fuddy duddy because...well never you mind what kind of sex I've known, but I've been around. 

If you come at me with a whip, you're going to walk out without testicles. I don't care how much money you've got.

Being some rich guy's smackin' cushion isn't my idea of fun. My hams aren't made for bruisin'. You know what I'm saying?

I'm tired of heroes with control issues. You want control? There's your rudder. Control that and then I'll believe you're man enough for me.

All I know is if a guy wants to climb my twin peaks he better make it worth my while.

Rub my back. Clean my house. Give the dogs a bath. Weed my garden!

Now that's amore.

***

In the interest of full disclosure, I've not read these books, but several of my friends have and they filled me in on the details. They assured me they only read the books for research. 

Yeah...I didn't believe them either. 

Are you curious about the movie? Have you read the books?


Monday, July 21, 2014

Maria's Evil Plan

My social networking vacation opened my eyes. I learned some stuff about myself and what's important to me.

Some of the things I discovered:

• Pimping books is not the answer. I know. It goes against everything we were told, but I think it's true. My prolonged absence allowed me to observe how I chose books when I'm not surrounded by authors (like most normal people). 

The majority of sales and browsing occurred when a book blogger, BookBub, The Fussy Librarian, or Amazon recommended a book, but only if the cover was interesting enough to make me stop to read the post.

• Since time was limited, I had to slash blog and FB reading to less than 10%. Which blog posts made the cut? The majority of read posts were about the blogger's personal life, or an interesting piece of information that could help me in my life. I commented more often on sad news as opposed to happy news.

• Getting blitzed with mass cover reveals is boring. There are only so many times you can congratulate an author before it starts to sound like corned beef hash. 

• Blog hops are usually boring. You know it and I know it. It's kind of like awkward sex positions. We pretend it didn't happen but you and I both know that's ten minutes we'll never get back.

And the most important thing I learned:

In the end I discovered it really was all about me (the reader). I visited and commented primarily on blogs that gave me brain food in return for my time. They got extra points if they replied to my comment.

What's your evil plot, Maria?

• I'm pulling Back to Basics from public viewing and will start posting frugal posts here once a month. I'll also post short frugal tips on my Facebook Page (The Frugal Way). 

If you're not already following me there, go ahead and sign up. Stupid Facebook isn't going to show my page on your timeline anyway so you've got nothing to lose. Ha!

• I'll keep my once-a-week posting here at least until Greg retires (Note 1) and moves back in with me. After that I'll probably go to twice a week. 

• I might be a tad more irreverent than you've seen me before. Just close your eyes and think of England.

• Blog posts will run the gamut from homesteading, marketing, cover design, and general observations about life and industry.

• I always talk back, so chime in if the spirit moves you.

• What's been your favorite topic on this blog? (Note 2) 
• Do you share any of my conclusions, or am I off my rocker?
• By the way, when do I get my rocker?



Note 1: You won't believe this, but Greg modified his retirement date again. (In)Human Resources offered him a bonus to stay a little longer. Oy vey!

Note 2: If you mention my Tank as a favorite topic, you get a big hug. :o)  The gentle giant is still with us. Despite tumors, arthritis, and the tiredness of old age, he turned 12 last week. A milestone! Very frail, but he still gives me kisses and loves to go for walks.


Monday, July 14, 2014

And she's back!

I kid you not. We did a year's worth of hard labor in six weeks at Casa South. It looks really nice now. And sellable, I hope.

We were actually done three weeks ago but we had major flooding in the area, and then the realtor had a death in her family, and then came the July 4th holiday. So we've been waiting on the realtor to come over and take pictures so she could list it.

With any luck it should list today. I know! It's insane it took so long. But I stopped beating myself up and allowed things to unfold at their own pace. (And that's not easy for an A++Tiberius Kirk personality.)

Those of you who follow me on Facebook probably saw the posts I did about barbecuing BBQ, the goat. (He was delicious!)  And how I embarrassed myself by not checking the sex of my rabbits. 

It turned out the one I lost was the male, not the female. In my defense, I took them out often for exercise. I probably returned them to the wrong cages.

Because of all the traveling, I had to turn down quite a few design jobs, but I got a couple in that turned out rather well.

Hopefully, my personal life will stop getting in the way and business will pick up again. I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on new graphics software. As my finger hovered over the 'send payment' button, it jerked into a drunken palsy desperate to keep me from doing anything stupid. 

I have nightmares of me pounding the pavement with a sign on my back. Will Design Covers for Food. 

You should've seen me when I wrote the check for my last car. I'm sure the salesman thought I was a nut as I struggled to write my name.

Anyway, it's back to normal for me until the house sells. There's so much to tell you about the homestead and the way things are transitioning. And BIG changes are coming to this blog and to Back to Basics. I'm not talking about redecorating either. I'll tell you more about that next week.

It's good to be back!

Oh, one of my email addresses will be going bye-bye soon. Spammers discovered it and apparently not even Norton could stop them. In the next few weeks I'll contact everyone who uses that address and send you the new one before I delete the old one.

Has your email box ever been mercilessly spammed? What did you do? My provider suggested moving to Mozilla Thunderbird but so far I haven't been able to get it to work. Has anyone tried it?